Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Conditioned to lose. Conditioned to fail. Conditioned to expect the worst.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that every thought throughout every day seems to revolve around that one thing?  No matter what you do, its always in the back of your mind?  Always keeping you from concentrating completely on the task at hand?  Always there..taunting you...pressuring you...smacking you right upside the head?  We (Jason and I) want something very badly right now.  We have tried to make it happen for the past three years...still no luck.

Five miscarriages and many, many infertility appointments and tests later; my husband and I still don't have the second child that we want so badly.  We've spent thousands of dollars trying to figure out the problem regarding why its hard for me to get pregnant and even harder for me to stay pregnant...sometimes we feel close to finding the answer, sometimes we feel so far from it.  The bottom line is that we don't have the answers yet and we're getting older by the minute! 

We've begun, after lots of time and many heart to heart talks, to explore the options of adoption and fostering to adopt.  We've learned, based on the family unit that we have right now, that fostering is not for us.  There are so many restrictions and rules surrounding what child(ren) can be placed in a particular foster home and we just don't qualify...why you ask?  Because here in Dakota County, a foster child must be YOUNGER than the age of any child(ren) currently living in the home and the foster system is filled to overflowing with older children.  There really are none that are younger than Mikaylah even available to us. 

That brings us to adoption...without hesitation we would absolutely adopt!  We are certain that we would love another child as if he or she were our biological child, but in order to do that, we need to win the lottery it seems.  I'm so discouraged by the whole process of adoption.  It presents itself to be so much more centered around money than the welfare and needs of the children that need familes.  Parenting is a tough job, shouldn't we have to pass a rigorous test rather than just coming up with $40,000?  And, realistically, nowadays who can finance $40,000 just to bring the child home and then turnaround and be able to pay that off WHILE paying for daycare and day to day life needs for that child?

So now that you've read that, let me really break it down here...let me REALLY be honest about this.  I am a great mother. Jason is a great father.  Mikaylah would make an AWESOME big sister.  Crack-whores the world over are conceiving children every minute of the day.  Women are birthing and tossing away children on a daily basis. Some days I swear if I have to read one more horrific news story about child abuse or a parent murdering their child(ren), I will lose it completely.  Why can't we have another when we are GREAT parents and those LOSERS seem to have a limitless supply of children at hand?!?!  What have we done to deserve this?   Have I failed my husband and daughter?  What should I have done different?  Yadda yadda yadda....

So this brings us to the present...I have a few more tests this week (some nuclear med scans).  Perhaps we'll spend the rest of this year trying to conceive and see what happens.  Perhaps these tests will give us definitive answers.  Right now, we're conditioned to expect bad news.  Conditioned to have moments of joy and thoughts of YES IT'S WORKING, followed by the agony of loss.  Conditioned to expect THE worst.  Maybe in 2011 we'll begin the process of adoption.  We stand firm...our family is not yet complete.  There IS a child out there that wants us as much as we want him or her.  We just have to make it happen. 


  1. Oh Jen. Thanks for sharing your heart. I am angry and confused for you. It is so hard to hear those stories and even good stories of people having babies when you are in that place. I pray that you get some answers and can move forward in what ever direction that may be. Love and hugs!!

  2. Jen we have been struggling with the same things. Angie and I have been trying for about the same amount of time. Thousands of dollars and we know what the problem is but Invitro is also very expensive and we don't have the money.

    My prayers are with you and Jason.

    Also you are right. WOrking in news it kills me that almost everyday I hear about kids being tossed away or beaten and killed. It angers me to no end. I wish they could just give me their kid, we would be much better parents.

    Take Care

  3. Me being me, wishes there was something I could to do help. I hate that you and Jason have to go through this and want to personally go after all the bad parents and bad people to make it better for you. You are FABULOUS parents and I strive to be as patient and understanding as you are. I am more apt to throw shoes than you!! hahaha Praying for your answers to become clear and attainable. Love you guys.....more than you know! HUGS!!!!!!

  4. Such a heartfelt post! I too become sad and angry with the system that encourages crack whores to keep having and abusing children. It makes me sick, angry, and sad all at once! Look at what you go through to adopt a dog, yet they let anyone have children. Whenever I hear a story of a child killed or abused by a parent I always think "If they couldn't love their baby, they should have given it to someone that would!"

    We too have been down the road of fertility treatment - thankfully resulting in my sweet Cameron, but I completely understand the fear knowing that it may never happen.

    Does either of your employers offer adoption expense reimbursement? Check it out - my employer offers up to $10,000 per adoption in expense reimbursement.

    I pray that you find the answers soon and through one way or another, you are able to look into the eyes of a precious child and call him or her yours.